So i visited the world of tommorrow next week and to say the least i was a little underwhelmed.  The travel agent sure talked it up. Hover cars, non hover cars, robot everything, moon olympics and even ultra porn were just the tip of the iceberg according to the colour brochure. I know a lot of my readers don't have the necessary funds to travel to the world of tomorrow, so it won't be rude of me to ruin it for all you minimum wage deadbeats. First of all the moon olympics were prevalent, but a serious let down. Mars boycotted the event, plus the majority of Earth's star athletes declined to attend preferring to focus on the lucrative Iraq Golden Athletics series. Hence the moon's athletes took great undeserved pride in recording winning high jump heights of 57 kilometres. A worthy achievement, if it had been achieved against Mars' mighty jumper Salty Leonidies. The hover cars are still a pipe dream, what with hydrogen being a dud fuel and all. Meanwhile trying to hook up with a cleaning maid robot is nigh on impossible. They all say 'it's not part of our programming' as if. I could have stayed here in the now and heard that excuse from far hotter birds.

I for one, and i'm sure i'm not the only one, am utterly gutted and frustrated at that gutless wonder J.K Rowling. I really thought this chick would have the chutzpah to kill Potter. But according to the bible (wikipedia) it appears that Harry survives. BOOOOO! HISSSSS! come on! who gives a toss about all those kids out there who would hold candle light vigils for a fictional character. Personally i don't care for Potter and all that junk, but as an avid citizen of the arts, be them pornographic or non, i feel personally vilified by this soppy tome.  I mean the woman has a sweet set of cans but that doesn't make up for such nosense. 

I hereby wash my hands of all those dicks in sales/retail/service whatever. I did it for a while, and i am part of the very slim percentile that actually got out before being permanently sucked into the abyss that is the retail whirlpool. You get one week of OK hours and you think 'hmmmmm i can afford to buy toilet paper... i guess i'll hang around here for a little while longer.' That turns into a while and before you know ity 5 months has gone past. It just blows. The public are all dicks. I would gladly do the elecrtic boogaloo on their graves. As i am currently employed as a waste disposal technician, a garbage truck driver, i can truly and honestly say that i am superior to all of you chumps in retail.

Lets all have a moment to remember how unlucky we are, and how lucky all those lucky retailers are. They get to live xmas for 4 months, where as we only get the hard part of it all. They even get to go back in on Boxing Day and get paid thru the nose to work on one of the best days of the year. God Bless all us norms, but don't save any blessings for the retailers.....they're already the luckiest people alive.

Recently there's been a little bit of debate about manners. Certain people, who will remain nameless, feel that a customer talking on a mobile phone, while they are being served is rude. Personally i am going to side with...............the customer. Let's face it BTDJ's (behind the desk jockeys) don't deserve any respect. They're just chumps who probably make fun of the poor customers once they are out of earshot. Also, who knows what the phone call is about. It could be an emergency!, sure it's probably just your nagging daughter ringing you to find out when you'll be home and what's for dinner, but it COULD be an emergency. And if the customer wants to talk extra loud, so that every other person around them can hear the conversation, i say more power to them. The BTDJ's no doubt have pathetic lives and should feel honoured to listen in to the customers priveleged lifestyle. And lets face it, BTDJ's are only there to provide customers with whatever they please, no matter how trivial or ridiculous, as quickly as is humanly possible, so why be polite to them?. It's pretty simple really. If you could see a ladder chronicling social status, us wonderful customers would be so high above the BTDJ's we've have to squint to see them.

So i'm sick of this Bob Sinclar guy. And you know his new song right? (if you don't you better bone up on your music knowledge because i ain't explaining it.....hehehe bone up) World hold on? well it's a pain in the preverbial. So i criticise it. To anyone who's listening, priests, homeless people, senators, anybody really. Unfortunately for me the song proved prophetic and i had to answer to the children of the sky, for my alleged song bashing. And man, talk about a preachy bunch of kids. Thou shalt not be a freaking jerk for no reason. Thou shalt keep your opinions to yourself. Thou shalt preserve the environment. Who do they think i am? Jesus? i'm only one man. An extremely competent man, but still only one man. They left eventually. But not without telling me that i must atone for all my sins before 11 july 1130pm, or i'll be horribly crushed from above somehow. Pfffffft as if. I'll bet you like a couple of dollars, i'll be here writing poetic nonsense at 1132 pm that very night.

I came to the conclusion today that i am the best rider of escalators in the world. I just do it with such ease and flair, that it puts most other people to complete and utter shame. Some people pause before getting on, or freak out getting off, or have to think for five minutes to see if the escalator is an up or down. Not me. I just walk straight up, get on and go for it. When i'm on it i can pull out any number of moves. A lean. A stare. A duck and weave. A get down the escalator so quick it shakes. The list goes on. There's even times when i have to stop myself and marvel at my ability, it's just that unbelievable. Don't even try to emulate me, or ridicule my claim. It is 100% truth, and you could never match me.

So i had a sore tooth the other night and it got to the point where i thought stuff it i'm going to have to go to a dentist for this. So in the morning, i thought stuff the phone i'll just rock up to the dentist and get him to set me straight. So i go down there and i go in, sweet talk the receptionist and get an appointment. She said they were completely free of bookings  but i reckon they were booked solid, she just wanted to get me in. So i go in to the dentist, and we get down to it. Here's a transcript of what happened next.

Dentist: So what's the problem?

Fuzz: Well my tooth hurts real bad. It's probably the worst a tooth's ever felt.

Dentist: Ok, that's great, but i think that isn't the real problem.

Fuzz: It isn't?

Dentist: No. you're problem is that you think you're a strapping, sweet talking legendary being. In truth you're a fat moron with nil social ability and questionable odour. You're in denial buster.

Fuzz: Errrrrrr ok cheers for that, but can you just fix my tooth?

Dentist: Not until you get to the bottom of your major denial issues.

Fuzz: I don't have denial issues.

Dentist: You just proved my point.

 

This went on for quite a while. Eventually i told him to shove his appointment and i left, in more pain than when i arrived. The receptionist greeted me. "Denial all dealt with sir?" " Denial? what the feck are you guys on about?! this is a dental clinic!." I said. "No sir. This is a denial clinic. We've been waiting for you to come in for quite a while. A lot of people seem to think this clinic was built just for you" responded the receptionist. Denial clinic? since when did these joints exist? in any case, my teeth still hurt, but i still KNOW that i am an uber legend. No denial here folks. Must be off, i have a date with three supermodels, who like me for my brains, not my horse like appendage, then i'm going to try on some new clothes. Mainly t shirts in extra small, because i can still fit in them....I swear!

 

I've decided to offer my faithful readers a deal. I need more circulation. So i've devised a way to get the Fuzz out onto the streets. I need you guys to put stickers of the Fuzz's address on your cars. What do i get out of this you say? well i'll give you free entry to the Fuzz 332 days a year, and you can comment on anything you like on the site. Plus when people see the address, go to the website, and see how awesome it is, they'll think of that car they saw, and thank god for the gift of the Robotfuzz. Perhaps they'll even ask God to send something good your way. Eternal salvation, lottery luck who knows, but if you don't try you don't know right?. So get on making those stickers. Preferably two, front and back.

I just landed the position of junior cadet reporter for my local newspaper. Basically i just get coffees and paper at the office, but i also get to write stories and hard hitting reports for the paper. Here's one hot off the press....well it's not actually off the press, we don't have a press persay at the newspaper, it's more of a laser printing device, and i haven't printed it yet, i'd have to show it to my editor first, and i think i'll email it rather than wasting paper....although sometimes he doesn't read his emails, so i might have to print it out and show him.......

 

John Howard announced today that Australia would stand up to the USA by 3029. " If not 3029, then when? " remarked Howard when announcing his bold plan. " We feel that should give Australia plenty of time to build up the courage to say no, and for the US to find another Southern Hemisphere whipping boy. Our top scientists are working feverishly on new strategies, and possibly potions, to help us stand up to the Yanks." The deadline comes as the Howard government faces renewed pressure from the Australian people over their recent decision to allow the US army to use Australian prisoners in Army simulations, called Operation Flying Eagle shoots unarmed men in the back. " Basically we let the prisoners loose in a big forest, then we send in the Marines and they go and fustigate those pricks." said US special forces commander Colonel Chip Tunk, " If Australia is anything like back home, and Mr.Howard assures me our two countries are like peas in a pod, then you'd no doubt be happy to cull your overflowing prison numbers back a little..". However Mr Howard reiterated the fact that Australia will still rely heavily on the US in the case of any Military troubles. " Oh F^$@**g oath we'll rely on them. Have you seen the amount of stuff they got? And they're good too. I watched a little bit of Operation flying eagle shoots unarmed men in the back, and they were annihilating the Aussie blokes. There was one bloke that didn't really show the Aussie spirit, when he gave up with only 3 bullet wounds in his torso. A fair dinkum Aussie would have kept on going for the spirit of mateship."

So when i was in Uni studying stuff and majoring in being a freaking super king i had to make a mission statement. A mission statement of my life. It could take various forms, like a newsletter, book, movie or painting. Since i already distributed a newsletter around uni, ( 'The Big Robotic Shaft') i decided to go with a movie. I called it 'Boots of Destiny.' It was difficult to choose a title, so many came to mind. Ones that fell by the wayside include Jimmy champion of the world, Jimbad and the seven seas, Jim City, and Goober and the Jim ghost chasers. Boots of Destiny was a coming of age movie really. Coming of age, finding myself amidst the Himalayan mountains, seeking justice in the harsh American west and battling Kung fu politicians and monkeys in Hong Kong. I even found time to put in a brief shot of Jamie Lee Curtis' rack. It ain't a movie if she hasn't got them out i reckon. I screened at a giant outdoor screening in the Uni grounds, and a huge crowd had turned up to watch it. Sure they came under the pretense of a promise of a free screening of Basic Instinct, but they turned up nonetheless. Needless to say everyone hated it. Not surprisingly, it's probably 30.....no 36 years ahead of its time. The movie is gathering dust in my linen cupboard, where it waits to be unleashed on the hover car driving, moon living society of 2040. Count the days, chummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmps.

OH YES!!!!!!! the local Teppanyaki restaurant is safe. Australia did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3-1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was singlehandedly one of the greatest 90 minutes of my life. Well the first 84 minutes were a bit rough, but it ended fantastically. Sorry Japan, you suck the big one. I'll send you a Fosters light ice to soothe the pain. Chummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmps.

Ok. So it's half time in the Australia vs. Japan game. Unfortunately Australia are down 1-0 and the goal that Japan scored should never have been allowed. But that's the way things go. Hopefully Australia can come back, but if they don't i'm going to scope out the nearest Japanese meeting place and do something that'll teach the Japanese people ( who had nothing to do with the result) a real lesson. A lesson to do with eggs or swear words perhaps. Lets hope i don't have to resort to these measures, but if Australia lose, i can't be held responsible for my actions

I'm sick of being the last to know. I never get info first hand. For instance, just the other day this guy in a bear suit told me that Jesus loves me. Wow, that's great i thought, the big guy's got some love for the Jimster. But i would have liked to hear it from Jesus himself you know?. Just a simple appearance by him, be it in the sky, a voice in my head, flaming bush, whatever. But no, i get a deviate in a bear suit. Plus, because it's second hand information,  when i asked him for more info he had nothing else to offer. I need to know more! i've asked Jesus but he isn't answering, so i said fine ya know, just give the bear more info and i'll go to him, but he's nowhere to be seen either. Still at least i know i've got Jesus in my corner.

So we've got these various angels at work. You know the type. Angel of hope. Angel of Love. Angel of dreams and so on. They don't have any angels i'm interested in though. If any of you guys know where to get other angels give me a yell. Here's some of the angels i'm on the look out for.

1. Angel of QLD not playing like dicks and clobbering NSW. Most important angel.

2. Angel of no herpes. It'd make Saturday nights hassle free.

3. Angel of Louis Pham acing his HSC. I'd love to see that little dork as Prime Minister.

4. Angel of crippling injuries at OZtag fields. Oh no reason.

5. Angel of striking stupid customers down with leprecy.

6. Angel of TAB. You've been sorely missed little tab angel. Come back soon baby.

7. Angel of Big sister. I wish i could get one of those gems. How much for your model adrock?

8. Angel of Bronco's always winning. Precious, precious Broncos.

So if you see any of these angels in your travels, buy them instantly! i'll surely reimburse you in the near future.

So i ran into Chad Kroger the other day. Can't stand that guy. Always going on about his various loves and his near misses with the law as a youngster. Telling me about his stupid band. Like i care. And it was that real awkward, old schoolmates meeting. Neither of you wants to talk to each other, but neither wants to be rude. He invited me to go see his stupid band Nikkelback for free and i had to say yes for fear of offending him. 'You better be good or i'll demand my nickel back...he he' i said. Chad repiled ' well actually your ticket was free, so you couldn't demand your money back because you didn't pay for the ticket in the first place.'............Thanks for ruining the joke retard. We must have talked for about 4 minutes, but i swear it felt like 6 and a half. So if i can't think of a good excuse, i'll be stuck at the stupid Nikkelback concert. Still, it could worse i could be seeing the worst band in the world: Nickelback. I hate them so much, and Chad Kroeger?.....oooh if i ever met him...........i'd like..............laugh because he's Candaian..............as US tv has taught me to laugh at Canadians because they're stupid, and being a freethinking robot i believe them. Even though i know jack about Canada.

Christian's incessant rants about women have lead me to compile my own hot lady list.

Gabby Milgate. How hot is this woman! and her humour makes her the complete package.

Marie Louis Thiele. Classy, but you just know she's a super freak.

Lynny from Neighbours. Oooooooooooooow! no wonder Paul wants to throw the wooden leg over her.

Peter Brock's former wife. Remember the Bridgestone donut ads? i'll never forget them thats for sure.

Not Jessica Alba. You heard me.

The lady who does the 2am to 9am shift at the Gateway tollbooths. She gives change like an angel.

 

 

Alright forget about Jim Diamond Philips. Seems people just can't handle it. I got mugged today by a guy named Philip who was wearing a massive diamond ring. I can confirm the rumour about diamonds being unbreakable, because he landed a good 5 or 6 punches in my rock hard abs and that ring of his didn't break. I'm not sure if he knew me or not. He probably did know me, or at least know of me, because i am extremely popular, and i'm hard to miss. So I'll go back to Robotington....sigh. I mean it's still like 30, hmmmmm probably 50 percent better than everybody elses names, but it's not Diamond Philips good. But it's probably like yo ho diablos. They were infinitely better than yo yo's. But people weren't ready for them, too mind blowing, so they got scared and drove them out of town like the Irish. Just be happy that you knew the Diamond Philips. Who knows he might make an appearance again soon.